I think I used up all my tears tonight...

And I went crazy again today
Looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay
Wouldn't put his lips to mine
A fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said honey I don't so good
Don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void
He said it's all in your head
And I said so is everything
But he didn't get
I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy
Hunger hurts but I want him
So bad oh it kills
Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I gotta fold cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts but starving works
when it costs to much to love

"Mommy your beautiful". The most awesome, sweetest thing Mad has said to me besides "I love yooooou". We've been having such a great time together lately that it's been hard to take her to school and be away from her all day. But I know she's doing well and making friends so it's worth it. I finally got her holiday gift list together after much consideration!

My anticipation to visit Oregon is getting stronger and it's all I can think about! And now I can look forward to it even more since I have an EXTREMELY flexible job :p

FINALLY

I had a fantastic opportunity come up today and I jumped on it. I have a fantastic feeling about it too! The pay rate is the same as before, but I'm working at home. I jumped up and down and laughed hysterically for a good 2 minutes. Just this morning I laid in bed staring at my ceiling, and said just make things work out ok. And they did. Madison showed a full recovery today verses yesterday. And now this job. It's so awesome and I can't wait for the future now. Best of all, the only time I have to leave my house is to drop off and pick up Madison from school. SCORE.

Starting A New Journey..

This year is going to be an adventurous one. I recently inquired about culinary school, and have been looking at the options. It's the only long term goal I have right now that will fit into my plans of relocating back to Oregon when my lease is up. I will be able to start school in Pasadena and transfer to the Portland location. So maybe that is the first sign that it's meant to be. I wish I had gotten started on this earlier, but then again I don't because once I REALLY want something I'll go through with it no matter what. This is just the first stepping stone on the path to having my own restaurant in the future. I spoke with one of the admission reps from Le Cordon Bleu in Pasadena last night. The questions that were asked did nothing but get me even more excited to attend. When I was asked if I have restaurant experience and I said yes, that I was doing expo at one point, he was like "Great! So you know how seriously busy a kitchen gets" Oh yeah, I know!

As for my current position with SeniorINFO, the overall feel of the company has changed. When I first came in, there was a system of how things worked, that guarantee you would get at least one sale a day. My sales technique with the company has only grown stronger, yet my resources to tap into have diminished and with what used to be a strong team working together to bring in money, is now split into small sales teams. Half of my "department" was canned because of their inability to close sales. The remaining three of us suddenly turned into the other two setting up a team where the weaker link becomes his assistant and instantly makes 8% just for calling back his follow-ups. As for the other "Sales teams" they have the luxury of the main boss doing daily fax blasts for them so they don't have to cold call. I'm the only one who is fending for myself, desperately trying to locate enough calls to sell. I brought it to the attention of my immediate boss and requested some things be sent my way as well. Of course the couple of things that were sent my way were already called and sent out for assessments.. I just don't think working for a company who is so selfish and has no regard for anyone else is something I want to be apart of much longer. I have been actively looking for something else that will be more positive overall and of course offer livable wages.

So what's my plan for the next 12 months?

#1 & #2 might be tied since I really don't know how the next couple of weeks are going to go. But Ideally:
#1 Start the admissions process for school
#2 Find a more positive higher paying job
#3 Save save save!
#4 MOVE!

It seems since I've made the final decision to leave CA within a year, more things have arose to make my decision even more final. The initial reasons were, because the only remaining members of my family that I actually care to be in contact with are in Oregon, all the friends I've known growing up are there, and it's CHEAPER! There are a lot of places and experiences I had in Oregon growing up that I want Madison to experience. Like eating the clam chowder at Moe's in Coos Bay, visiting the OMSI museum, Newport Aquarium,and A.C. Gilbert house, seeing the rose gardens in Portland, going to the Saturday market at the waterfront, and growing up with my friends kids.

It'll be a lot of work, but it's so worth it in the end.

Great Article

I believe there are a few things culinary school either doesn’t tell you or misleads you to believe (whether intentionally or otherwise).

Ignore, for a moment, my pomposity and consider these points, which I consider to be rather serious. Some students, or prospective students, may already know this if they have had any experience in a restaurant, but to those that don’t, I hope I can provide a service. I would never discourage anyone from going to culinary school, if that is where their passions lead them, but make sure you know what you’re getting in to.

I was dumb (and impulsive – I made the decision to go to c-school a week before classes started) and took out the whole balance in education loans. Culinary school is freakishly expensive, and if I hadn’t been lucky enough to land the job before I had to start repaying the loans, I’d be completely screwed.

Being a good home cook and big foodie is perfectly respectable, but the comfort and leisurely pace of your kitchen, Food Network shows, or culinary schools for that matter, does not exist in restaurants. It’s a hot, brutal, juvenile, chauvinistic, alpha-male (or female), dead serious environment most of the time, especially on busy service nights.

For some reason, nearly every instructor I had during school liked to tell us “work smart, not hard!” when we’d be caught doing something contrary to logic and common sense. While I appreciate that mantra, and it definitely helped me think about multi-tasking and working as efficiently as possible, I think my version is better. Working hard is great, your chefs and other people above and around you will appreciate it. Working smart is better, you will be noticed, seen as a potential leader, and will be more likely to get the promotion when the time comes. Working harder and smarter is best – if you can get more prep done faster and more efficiently than those around you, you will be noticed.

This all ties in to working smarter and harder. Communicate clearly and concisely. Move quickly (but safely) and decisively, don’t ramble around the kitchen when you’re rounding up your mise en place, you’ll only piss people off. Always be willing to ask questions if you don’t completely understand something. Always offer help (if you have time) to someone who needs it, but be willing to run people over and do it yourself if that’s what it comes down to.

I repeat, a culinary degree does NOT make you a chef. It makes you (hopefully) a well-trained cook who is (also hopefully) on the fast-track to becoming a chef. Only your place of employment can bestow upon you this title. Some will require you to be certified by professional organizations like the American Culinary Federation (ACF). “Chef” really has nothing specifically to do with cooking, it’s the French term for “Chief” and indicates that you have more responsibilities than just banging out prep, cooking through service, cleaning up, and going home. Eric Ripert put it rather eloquently when he said – "A cook and a Chef are different entities. “Chef” is a title… But when you are a cook, it is who you are. It is your spine and your soul." Strive to become and excellent cook, and the promotions will come to you in due time, then you will get your recognition.

The people who last in this industry are the people who love it down to the core of their being. It can take quite a while to get to the point where you are taking home a good chunk of change. As a salaried sous chef, I have the luxury of knowing exactly what I’m going to be paid every payday, but if I was still hourly and working the same number of hours I’d be making at least twice what I am making right now…and the restaurant would be bankrupt…Illustrating this point perfectly is food writer extraordinaire Dara Moskowitz Grumdahl in her blog: “Do you know how much restaurant cooks in Minneapolis earn? Between $8 and $15, with most fine-dining cooks earning a mere $10 or $12 an hour. Do you know how much itinerant grape-pickers in California, those symbols of contemporary repression, earn? I read an article last week that jogged my memory: Grape-pickers in Napa Valley earn $11–$13 an hour for the lowest status positions, and in the $20 an hour range for supervisors.” Dara’s post also mentions the chef I work for (Don Saunders), and the project that we’re starting this fall (The Commodore).