Positivity VS Negativity

As I continue my path through adulthood, I become hyper aware of my personality, surroundings, and exchanges with others. I see behavioral habits that have been learned from my father, and some I've created myself. Ideally I would like to be the duck that let's water roll off it's back, but growing up around someone who constantly sees the negative in every aspect of his life has created mental obstacles for me now. Situations build and get worse and I fall back on what I know instead of what I'm trying to achieve.

I have to remember that every spec of negativity I put into the universe, will come back to me. Just like the golden rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The stress causes overwhelming feelings of losing control and a morphed opinion about who I am which in turn creates the snowball effect that consumes me. My family then suffers because I become unsatisfied with how things are going and lose patience and understanding.

One of the biggest hurdles I'm trying to jump over, is my past. As I become set in my ideals and habits, I also have issues surfacing that just won't hide any longer. Unfortunately explaining these subjects to those around me proves to be more difficult than I thought and transfers into something else. Which merely shields the truth temporarily. Sometimes I feel lost, my brain is blank, my communication lost. Mental limbo. Afraid to talk, afraid if I don't talk I could lose it all.

The one place I can find strength and clarity is in Buddhism. We are in control of our lives. Our lives shouldn't be in control of us. If I can overcome the initial instinct to feel anger, and instead feel empathy, I can conquer all. I am the koi swimming to rise to the top of the murky water like the lotus. I have achieved great things in my life. As long as I can stay aware and focused, I can be content.